Worry

Yep I struggle with it. And lately it has been rearing its head A LOT.

I like to think that I am a pretty level headed calm person. I mean honestly I have to be, I’m an ER doctor where things can go from a calm flow to total chaos in 2 seconds flat. I have to make decisions in moments that are at times life and death decisions for people on limited data at best. There’s not room for worry.

And I’ve been asked, how do I deal with the stress and the emotion and the drain of the day to day in the ER? Honestly a lot of it is dealt with by my pounding feet heading down the trail on a long run or swimming laps in the pool. And it’s not that I think about whatever the situation or patient or crisis was, sometimes I do, but usually the physical exertion helps me leave it all out there and work through it and deal with it and I’m a better person when I get home.

I deal with a lot of my worries with physical activity as well. And time on my knees in prayer is the other biggie. And I don’t know why, sometimes despite knowing that God has it all figured out and knows it all I have a hard time letting go. I think it’s the whole control issue. Like me not being in control. So often in my mind if I was just in control things would be so much better. Luckily I’m not in charge…which would be a huge disaster if I was.

But worry has been big lately. And I think part of it has to do with a bunch of unknowns and worries about all the what-ifs. Which I can’t control any more by worrying about them anyway. And after obsessing about them they are much bigger then they had started anyway.

And I can write all that and think all that here and now, but I haven’t done a good job of actually not worrying about things that I cannot control. Nope, I’ve done a pretty good job of worrying too much about all of it, and even throwing in some bonus things to worry about.

It hasn’t been a lot of fun. Pretty rotten actually. Lost sleep, too many emotions, just yuckiness all over the place.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this post is not about “3 easy steps on how not to worry”, or “My faith is awesome and I never worry” or something great along those lines. It’s just plain and simple- Hey, I worry a lot sometimes and now is one of those times, and I don’t have any answers but just letting you know where I’m at. It’s not that flattering really. But it’s true and it’s where I’m at today.

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