There have been days these past few months where we have laughed because only 3 kids cried during dinner (all over a fly-swatter…don’t even ask) and we consider the day a victory, and there are days where I have literally just cried by lunch time and been ready to throw in the towel. It’s when everything that was “normal” was taken and shook up and tossed around and even though its been a couple of months we are all still trying to figure out and define our new normal and what that looks like for each of us. We’ve all cried, and we’ve all responded poorly to the situations and challenges, but there have also been moments when we’ve each responded well.
I have often felt overwhelmed by it all. Looking at the mountain that is Coppelia’s speech therapy and physician therapy and feeling defeated before we barely get on the trail…knowing there are families that face far more difficult trails and climbs…remembering that often doesn’t help when I can only see the mountain before me. Trying to figure out how to re-connect and re-establish attachment and boundaries with Edric when it feels as though an alien has taken over and replaced him with some other life form that has made it his goal to purposely do exactly the opposite and most defiant thing he can do with everything that he does. I think we are finally back on track with him…but man there for a couple of weeks I went to bed exhausted every night and I’m sure he did as he spent every moment of every day figuring out which possible way he could test EVERYTHING. Standing in the middle of the hot and sweaty pool area while Caedmon literally screams at me for the entire 45 minute swim lesson and refuses to get in the pool or participate in his class…for some reason that still alludes me…yet today walked right up to his teacher, hopped in and participated in class to the fullest without even a glance backwards.
And that’s just a scratch on the surface. Work stress on multiple different levels (because saving lives isn’t stressful enough), tons of self doubts about pretty much everything and anything really, added into a new home, new people to meet/grow in relationship with etc etc. And the fact that 5 little people want to/need to eat 3 times a day plus usually 2 snacks thrown in and need clothes to wear.
It’s been a lot, and it’s been hard. And I knew it was going to be….but knowing something is hard and then the actual living it out are two different things. And working on pushing those self doubt and accusatory voices out of my head and heart and instead remembering to spend time in prayer….far more days that I have failed at that then succeeded. Knowing down the road I’ll look back and see how I was shaped and refined and grown during this time…but the actual going through it now, i won’t lie…it’s been tough.