Dear Little One-
They told us in our adoption class that grieving was a part of this process. And it comes from many different sources. When we can finally call you ours it will be one of the happiest days of our lives, but probably the saddest day of your life as you leave and lose everything that you have ever known.
However along the way there are moments that I grieve and miss you more. Not that I don’t miss and think about you every day, but some days are just harder. There’s not a day that goes by that my thoughts aren’t spread across the giant ocean that separates us. I think about what time it is where you are at. As I wake the boys from their afternoon naps, you are waking up to start the next day. After I tuck the boys in at night and settle down to read or write, you are getting ready to start your afternoon. The majority of your day is spent while I sleep at night, but then I wake up and wonder how the rest of your day went. Working the night shifts allows me to at least be awake and moving when you are, even with half a world in between us.
But today I was grieving and missing you a little more. I don’t know if it was the bright blue sky or the autumn leaves splashed across that same sky or the majestic mountains rising up in the background, but today my heart missed you more. Right now you are still small and cuddly and if I was holding you I could bury my nose into that little crease on your neck and snuggle up close to you. I miss that I won’t get to see your first smile, my hands won’t be the first hands you grasp and cling to, and I won’t be the first one to hear your little giggles fill the air. And tonight I’m sad about that.
I know that with each day you are changing and growing and developing, and my heart hurts to not be there to witness and be a part of that process. You will likely not remember most if not all of this time, and yet I am keenly aware of it with each passing day. I know in the grand scheme of everything and in the 70+ years of your life on this planet these first months and couple of years are but a small splash in the bucket of water of your life. But tonight, this momma’s heart is longing and missing and grieving these months and years.
And so Little One, as your day is approaching its midpoint and mine is coming to a close, even though half a world and ocean separate us, I hold you close in my heart.