Maybe I should actually name this post “lack of control”. I think the issue of control has been one of the harder issues for me with this adoption process. When I was pregnant with both the boys I was super vigilant about what I ate, what I was exposed to, getting exercise (I ran all but the last couple of weeks with both pregnancies, although it was more of elephant plodding then an actual run/jog) and such. The boys were also breast fed until their first birthdays, I made all of their baby food including the rice cereal from scratch, and Leighton is going to be 4 next week and has never been on antibiotics. I read to both of them from the day they were born and the TV is rarely on unless the Broncos are playing.
With adoption, as another friend who is going through the same process and I talked about last week together, it is a completely different story. I don’t have any control over what the baby has been exposed to, what he is fed, how he is nurtured during the beginning part of his life. I also don’t have control over the governments that oversee the country where he lives and if they decide that they need more paper work or there are new steps in the process or its going to take longer to bring him home, then I have to just go with it. I also don’t get to decide when he gets to come home and how well he is going to adapt and bond with us. I don’t know what questions we’ll get asked as we are a multiracial family going through the everyday parts of life, or if he is going to feel different.
The reality of it is that I actually had no real control over my pregnancies and how my boys turn out any more then I do with my baby boy in Korea. I think it is a realization of the perception of control that I don’t have. I thought that I had control with the boys, and in reality I didn’t, Leighton came early because despite my excellent health and no problems with my pregnancy my placenta was malformed and either he came early or he wouldn’t have made it, and I had no control over that. And ultimately despite all of my trying to control situations and circumstances, I don’t have control, I’m not the one in charge. I often like to think that I am, but in reality I’m not, and it’s probably a good thing.
This whole process has been a good reminder that there is a God that is in control and I can trust Him and I need to stop thinking that I have control and remember whether it’s with my two boys now or the new little one that will join us, we serve an awesome God and the Author of Life and I just have to hang on and trust.
Quick update- we are 3rd on the list for a little boy at this point. Korea is going through some changes and right now it looks like we will likely have to make two different trips there, one for family court and then a few weeks later to bring him home. They also added a few more things that they want in the mass of paperwork that they require so we are gathering those. We should have our home study at the beginning of August. We have two days of required training coming up at the end of the month. With the additional need for two trips to Korea and the overall expense of adoption we have been looking into some fundraising, and we’ll update more when that gets started.