I remember there was a time during Edric’s adoption process and wait that I just hit critical mass and just fell apart. There was a lot of other stressors going on at the same time as well and I just fell apart.
Well the past couple of days have been that again. I think I secretly believed that since this process was going so much faster that I wouldn’t get to that point again or something but nope, I just fell apart. Lots of tears, frustration, just being over and done with this whole waiting. And I know things are moving, but it still is just super hard right now. I don’t know if it is knowing that Paxton’s birth mom is receiving the notice from the court this week letting her know that his case is about to go before the judge and she needs to sign off on it again, or knowing that Coppelia’s exit permission is due out from the government any day now that is making things tougher. Or if the added stress from just day to day stuff is just pushing me at critical mass. And throw in the holidays just seems to add to it all too. Whatever it is (and probably a combo of all three and then some) it just kind of all erupted the last couple of days.
I was out on a run today because the temperature finally got above zero for the first time in a few days, and I also need runs on a fairly consistent basis to stay mentally normal, and between the tears and frustration the last two days I was way overdue for some mental normalcy. I plugged in my church’s pod casts to listen to because I missed church a couple of weeks ago because I was working. The sermon was entitled The Thrill of Hope. I’ve kind of lost any sort of thrill in this whole adoption situation and hope is fading fast. The sermon was about Zechariah in Luke 1, and I have to say I can say I kind of related to Zechariah when he’s in the inner temple and the angel is talking to him and he straight up asks the angel “how can I be sure of this?”. He’s waited his whole life to have a child and he’s super old and so is his wife at this point and the angel shows up and tells him that the thing he has longed for and asked for is going to come true.
And you know what? I don’t think there is anything wrong with sometimes just being done with the waiting and the hoping and just being “I give up, I’m done, I’m tired, I’m emotionally spent and I just need to cry it out for a few days and feel hopeless and frustrated and just be done for a bit”. I could sit here and write something that sounds nice and hopeful and how my hope has been restored and I know things are going to happen and I’m trusting and hoping, but honestly tonight I’m just not there.
My mind and reasonable side knows that very likely the timeline for both is down to just a few months. But my heart is raw and tired and spent and out of much hope right now and just needs a few days of aching and pain, and honestly those “few months” are just too much right now. My emotions need a little better reign on them so my husband doesn’t think he’s living with a crazy woman, and my run I think got them a bit better under control. But this heart needs some time. It’ll catch up, but its not there yet.