Man, the last couple of months have been rough. Actually let me back that up, the last year there have been a lot of changes and I’m just exhausted. And I wish I could say that I was really good at being faithful and praying through each step and totally leaning on Christ through this past year….but the truth is, I wasn’t. I struggled a lot, tried to do a lot on my own, not intentionally but more out of laziness, exhaustion and just plain human nature I just went on my own often without a set quiet time or prayer time and time spent reading the Bible.
Being a mom to littles is often isolating…when I attempt to have adult conversations I’m interrupted at least half a dozen times and if I’m not I’m usually exhausted and have nothing meaningful to say. As an introvert going out and meeting people often seems daunting…just getting enough diapers, snacks, wipes, change of clothes and whatnot ready to just make it to the van is enough and then to get there and attempt to have a conversation or connect when my brain is mush is often just pointless. And everyone is busy. Everyone has things going on and activities and whatnot and so trying to coordinate something is next to impossible most of the time.
And yes I work, but I work weird hours and weird days and that makes things difficult. I work weekends and holidays and nights, which just makes me whacky. And at work I have to tell people that they have cancer, or have a heart attack or they are having a stroke or stand next to the bedside as family and friends say good-bye after I have tried everything and then some to save their loved one. And while I have a great community inside the ER, because unless you are there and do that day in and day out you don’t really understand, to the outside world it doesn’t make sense and not something that one can really talk about.
And add in adoption x3. It’s tough. Really tough. I wouldn’t trade my three little blessings for anything in the world, but they struggle with things and process things and deal with things differently because of the separation and loss that they have and will for the rest of their lives. And as their mom I try and figure out how to work through and navigate all of that. And honestly I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.
I think my go to this past year has been to escape…chocolate and salt & vinegar chips have been my go to, but also just withdrawing and not reaching out, instead pulling in and hiding and avoiding. And I’ve spent too much time not on my knees or reading my Bible or having real conversations with those around me. Yeah my life is not a normal one…and my circumstances don’t match up with many people and many don’t understand…but I need to do a better job of reaching out and talking and sharing and connecting. Even if I have a brain of mush sometimes, I need a much stronger relationship with God and with those around me. So I’m going to work on that…..