Ever have one of those weeks where things have been going good for quite awhile and no major issues and then everything seems to kind of fall apart? I had one of those recently. I usually tend to keep my emotions pretty steady and even, but then every now and then they kind of explode out.
We had gotten word early in the week that it could be a few more months before we are even matched with our little guy. Work had been stressful and I had had a number of late nights at work and little sleep. We have also been working on getting all our finances in order and all of that and part of that was not working and the people that were helping us kept changing what they were telling us. Throw in a little hormones and it was not a good combo.
When everything kind of crashes down like that, I become my own worst enemy. I tell myself that if I was a better mom I would do this, or if I was a better wife I would do that, or I’m just a screw up and nothing I do is right or good. And it spirals down from there. It’s not a pretty place to be and not something I’m at all proud about.
But I’m learning slowly. In talking with my mom, Clint and reading through “The Fitting Room-Putting on the Character of Christ” by Kelly Minter, with my small Triad group, I am learning and remembering that I am first and foremost a child of God and He doesn’t make mistakes and He made and chose me to be His. The first few chapters of Minter’s book talks about being chosen by God, I think I breeze right past that often.
I have always put very high expectations on myself. Probably beyond very high, pretty much impossible if I’m really honest with myself. And when I don’t live up to the expectations that I’ve set, I destroy myself. And so I’m learning, slowly, that I am His Child and He Loves me and it doesn’t matter what or how I do, only if I will quite trying and accept the gift that he has given me, which is His love and Grace.
So I’m trying to quite trying…Thankfully He is big enough for my mistakes and mess ups.