Grief and Loss

We had our last of our core training this past weekend for our adoption. We covered a lot of information and watched a video entitled Adoption, We Can Do Better, which was broken up into 5 mini sessions that covered everything from reasons for adopting to transracial families.

We also talked a lot about the grief and loss that is associated with adoption and the process. Many families enter adoption because of issues of infertility which is a huge loss for families, it’s not the issue in ours, but I can only begin to grasp how hard that must be for those families. As adoptive families we lose and have to grieve not carrying the child in our womb, being there during their first few moments (and sometimes first number of months) and knowing that we will never have that time with them. Many people are aware of the loss that the birth mothers face and go through and how hard and difficult that must be for her. There is also the loss that the foster families go through after raising and caring for a little one for a short amount of time, they become attached and care for them. I don’t think I was as aware of the loss and grief that the adopted child goes through. Not only do they lose their biological family and foster family but they lose their culture, language, the sights and sounds and smells that they have always known, their language, and everything and everyone that is familiar to them. I think it is easy to brush by it and say “yes but look at what they gain- a family”, but for them it is still a huge loss and something that cannot be overlooked or brushed by.

On that same note, our instructor said something that kind of stuck out to me. That loss and grief was going to happen to them whether or not I choose to adopt. My choosing to adopt a little boy from Korea isn’t going to prevent a birth mother from giving up her child. His course is totally independent from anything that I do. It is very likely that our little boy has already been born and relinquished from his birth family and is in the process of entering a foster family. I cannot do anything to take that hurt and brokenness away, it is part of his story that cannot be changed. Helping him heal and grow out of that will be something that I will do the rest of his life, but it will always be a part of him.

We signed off on our home study last week. I mentioned to Clint it’s a little weird to have your life, history, finances, family and everything else all laid out and typed up in a nice 16 page document that is going to be read by who knows how many different people. From here it goes to the state to be approved and then to immigration. We will have some more forms to fill out and more finger prints to give when it gets to the immigration stage. Right now we are waiting for a referral for a little boy. We are first on the list, but we have to wait for a file of a little boy that meets the age requirement of being 1 year younger than Caedmon per Korea’s rules. It could come at any time. Most likely I’m expecting it to come in the next few months. It’s just a matter of waiting for the phone to ring. Right now it’s taking 15-18 months to bring the little guys home after referral time. Hopefully that process will continue to get quicker, but that’s the best estimates at this point. We are going to start our fundraiser towards the end of October, so I will keep everyone posted with that info. It’s very likely that our little guy has been born ad relinquished by his birth mother and is in the process of being placed with a foster family. We pray for him every day and cannot wait to bring him home to his new family.

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