The Waiting

I have never been good at waiting. I think that’s part of why I like Emergency Medicine. There is no waiting, it is always open and there are almost always people to be seen. And I don’t have to sit around and wait for results, I can go see a few more people and get more things going and treatments started at the same time. I don’t have to wait for a patient to come back for a visit to tell them results, I just have to walk across the department.

I do a lot of my shopping online as well, I don’t have to wait for the store to be open to order what I want or need. I wouldn’t say that I’m an inpatient person, and I’m ok with waiting at restaurants and in lines and all of that. I think it’s the waiting for the unknown that I’m not so good at.

With both our pregnancies we waited to find out what each one was and I enjoyed that time of waiting, I think because I knew there was a relative end point to the waiting. Granted I wished Leighton had decided to wait a little longer actually before making his appearance since we got to spend time in the NICU afterwards with him. And Caedmon could have decided to come a little earlier since I contracted every 2 minutes for two weeks straight before I finally delivered him, but I knew with both of them that there was an end point give or take a few days/weeks when one way or another they would make their appearance.

With adoption it feels completely different. I don’t know when that phone call will come. I know that we are first on the list for a little boy who was born after March 23rd of this year, but I don’t know when that phone call will come. I know that he has probably been born already but is just now entering the time for when he would be available for adoption. And so it could be a few days, a few weeks, and even a few months. It’s probably a good thing that we don’t live in Berthoud, because I would find an excuse every day to sit in the parking lot at AAC and wait for the mail truck to come and see if there were any referrals in it. I keep telling myself that it will be easier once I have a little face to put the name that we have chosen to, and we can send packages and get updates every month or so until we get to go and pick him up, but reading some of the posts in a closed group by others in that stage of waiting I think that part is going to be just as hard. (but I like to tell myself that it won’t). It probably all goes back to the whole control thing, and ultimately I’m not in control and I have to rest in that.

And so as another day is coming to a close and no phone call has come in yet, I have to take a deep breath and remember that my Heavenly Father knows that little boy already and is watching out for him, and lean on Him for my strength and will to calm my anxious heart.

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